In a world obsessed with social validation and external approval, the revolutionary ideas presented in The Courage To Be Disliked and its sequel, The Courage to Be Happy, offer a stark and liberating alternative. This powerful two-book collection, written by Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga, presents the teachings of Alfred Adler, a contemporary of Freud and Jung, through a compelling Socratic dialogue. Unlike many self-help books that offer quick fixes, this duology provides a profound philosophical framework for living. It argues that true freedom and happiness require the courage to be disliked, to let go of the need for approval, and to take complete responsibility for your life's trajectory. This article distills seven of the most transformative lessons from these essential psychology books.
1. Your Past Does Not Determine Your Present (Teleology Over Etiology)
The most foundational shift in Adlerian psychology is the move from "etiology" (the study of causes) to "teleology" (the study of goals or purposes). While Freudian psychology often looks to traumatic past events to explain present behavior (etiology), Adler insists we are not determined by our past. Instead, our present feelings and actions serve a purpose for us now. For example, someone might claim social anxiety from a childhood embarrassment prevents them from speaking up. Adler would argue they are using that past memory to achieve the present goal of avoiding the risk and responsibility of speaking. This is not about denying trauma, but about recognizing our power to choose our stance toward it. By adopting this teleological view, you reclaim agency. You stop being a victim of your history and start being the author of your present goals.
2. All Problems Are Interpersonal Relationship Problems
Adler posits that all troubles, from feelings of inferiority to a lack of happiness, stem from interpersonal relationships. We live in a social context, and our sense of self is formed in relation to others. Feelings of inferiority arise not from objective shortcomings, but from subjective comparisons with others. The desire for recognition—to be praised, approved of, or not disliked—is a major source of life's friction. The core argument of The Courage To Be Disliked is that to free oneself from these troubles, one must develop the courage to live without being enslaved by the desire for recognition. This doesn't mean becoming a hermit, but rather changing the goal of your relationships from "seeking recognition" to "feeling community" or contributing to a common good.
3. Separate Tasks: The Key to Relationship Freedom
A practical tool derived from this philosophy is the concept of "task separation." Every issue in a relationship can be broken down into "whose task is this?" Your task is what you can control: your own thoughts, feelings, actions, and choices. The other person's task is what they control: their reactions, opinions, and emotions. A classic example is a parent wanting a child to study. The parent's task is to provide a supportive environment and offer help. The child's task is to actually study. The parent infringes on the child's task by coercing or nagging, which destroys the relationship and often backfires. By clearly separating tasks and focusing only on your own, you release yourself from the burden of trying to control others and from the frustration when they don't meet your expectations. This is a direct application of having the courage to be disliked—the child may dislike you for not forcing them, but you respect their autonomy and your own boundaries.
4. Deny the Desire for Recognition
Adler goes a step further than simply managing the desire for approval; he calls for its outright denial. He argues that seeking recognition means you are living to fulfill other people's expectations, effectively putting your life in their hands. True freedom comes when you live according to your own principles. This is perhaps the most challenging lesson. It requires internal validation. Instead of asking, "Will they approve?" you ask, "Is this aligned with my values?" This shift is liberating but demanding. It's the essence of the titular courage. When you no longer need praise, you also become immune to criticism. Your self-worth becomes an internal compass, not a fluctuating score based on external feedback.
5. Live in the Here and Now
Adlerian psychology vehemently rejects living for distant, vague futures ("When I get that promotion, then I'll be happy") or being chained to a deterministic past. Life is a series of moments, and happiness is a journey, not a destination. This "here and now" philosophy is deeply explored in The Courage to Be Happy. It encourages you to set your life in motion immediately, without waiting for perfect conditions or the resolution of past issues. If your goal is to contribute to a community (a core Adlerian concept), you can start doing so in small ways today. By focusing on the present moment and the actions you can take now, you break free from the paralysis of over-planning for the future or ruminating on the past.
6. Community Feeling and Contribution
This is the positive counterpart to having the courage to be disliked. Adler's ideal is not isolation, but a deep sense of "community feeling"—the subjective sense that you belong, that you have a place in the broader social context, and that you can contribute. Happiness, he states, is the feeling of contribution. This contribution isn't about grand gestures; it can be as simple as a kind word, completing your work diligently, or helping a neighbor. When you shift your life's focus from "What can I get?" to "What can I contribute?" you solve the interpersonal problem at its root. You are no longer a competitor for recognition but a collaborator in a shared space. This aligns perfectly with the themes in happiness books that emphasize purpose and connection over material gain.
7. Life is Not a Competition
Adler dismisses the vertical view of relationships—seeing others as above or below you on a hierarchy of worth. This competitive mindset is the source of feelings of inferiority and superiority. Instead, he advocates for a horizontal view: we are all different but equal, traveling on our own paths, not the same track. When you stop seeing life as a race, you can genuinely feel happy for others' successes (what Adler calls "encouragement") without feeling threatened. Your value is inherent and incomparable. This lesson dismantles the scarcity mindset that fuels social media envy and workplace politics. It allows for authentic relationships built on cooperation rather than comparison.
Putting Adlerian Psychology Into Practice
Understanding these concepts is one thing; living them is another. The dialogue format of the books is designed to confront the reader's objections, making the ideas more digestible. To start applying Adlerian psychology:
- Identify Your Purpose: When feeling stuck, ask, "What is the purpose of this feeling or behavior? What goal is it serving for me right now?"
- Practice Task Separation: In a conflict, write down what is your task and what is the other person's. Consciously refrain from stepping into theirs.
- Make a Small Contribution Daily: Actively look for one small way to contribute to your family, workplace, or community without expecting anything in return.
- Reframe a Comparison: When you catch yourself feeling inferior to someone, consciously shift to a horizontal view. Acknowledge their difference, not their superiority.
The journey through this two-book set is challenging. It demands rigorous self-honesty and, as the title states, courage. It asks you to give up the comforting excuses of the past and the anxious approval-seeking of the present. In return, it offers a blueprint for a life of profound freedom and authentic happiness, built on self-acceptance, contribution, and present-moment living. For anyone tired of conventional self-help advice, the works of Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga provide a radical and deeply philosophical alternative that has the power to fundamentally reshape how you see yourself and your place in the world.
